~synapticattack

it's 12.58 now, i have orientation for school tomorrow morning, and then right after that, i have to go to a different college so i can take a final i'll probably be late for
fun

i think in the next couple of days, i'll strive for boredom, i need some thinking time.

the impenetrable walls of the suburbs are closing in and eventually i'll be one of those 40 year old calcified fetuses.

maybe i should just plant some more trees, retarded trees, deformed sort of trees, that are tiny and crawl around with knives in their teeth or something.

i have a theme going here.

maybe a one legged dog and a blind tortoise would make this whole scene complete.

very little signifies the beginning of the summer months as much as listening to steppenwolf

weird shit is happening

like the sort of surreal bullshit in a jim morrison movie, with a soundtrack made for bad trips

it's just strange how symbols and stigmas can come together in such a way, that allows me to see my current situation in such an honest light
it's a nice feeling, there's no point in arguing with honesty, the only thing i have left to do is take what i have and go with it
i'm sure kaczynski would agree, but what's the point about whining about shit? ambition has nothing to do with it, really, just disgust

i guess this is when giving up really matters: giving up on hope, giving up on people taking responsibility for their shit, giving up on unfounded mythologies, giving up on what it means to "care"

people say i'm pessimistic, that i'm a "the glass is half empty and only full of piss" kind of girl, nothing could be farther from the truth, however
i'm one of the most optimistic people i know, i have this blind hope that after our species is snuffed, the world will take over, and we didn't cause too much damage that natural laws couldn't take care of

in the spring, when i see things blooming, when i see fruits on trees and plants thriving, it shows that i have one more season of hope

it's a beautiful place where we live, and a beautiful time, the appreciation for it, though, is dwindling, and people are so sure that they can control earth, that's what scares me

it's not a completely unfounded fear, it's a type of esoteric fear that i can only share with the hope i have of what's to become of this planet

it works, it really does

^{_{i'm not crazy}}

i chopped down a paper for my research class that i wrote, it was supposed to be 3-4 pages (double spaced, so really, a paragraph and a half) and mine ended up being about 10 pages (single spaced, half inch margins) and now it's just... blah
i wrote it about bukowski, which was fun as hell, my pseudo christian teacher won't like it, though, on another paper she gave me an A, sure, but then she pulled me aside and asked me if i believed in an absolute truth, and then when i said no, she basically said "no, you do, everybody does" so she's sort of scary in that branch davidian sort of way

the whole "absolute truth" thing, that's just silly, i mean, what sort of presumptuous asshole claims to know an absolute truth? i mean, really, people have a minute field of vision
but i just value questions far more than i value answers

and besides, truth, honesty, reason, from what i have seen (which isn't much at all) they seem to be human constructs, and it only cripples us, so i'm sure that if there's some sort of "universal truth" it's either A: not universal or B: not true, so, yeah, fuck it

it is what it is, and it works, so leave it be or embrace it

watched vanishing point
in a very odd existential sort of mood

some movies do that
vanishing point was just a fun movie, it ended how all films should end
nice, honest, clearly
i guess life is like that, the beginning is blurred with the now, past is sort of beyond comprehension
future is mostly bullshit, but the end is inevitable, based on the premise that we are within something that already had a beginning blah blah blah
just depends on how you want to look at it
it is what it is
and it works

i'm watching Slacker....
richard linklater is amazing
his movies are just images of thoughts i've had for years, all spinning in linear time capsules, all about choice, all about potential, all about possibilities it's amazing
Slacker is from 1991 (a palindrome year) and i've been meaning to see it, only now i just downloaded it, and perhaps if i didn't download it, i wouldn't have had an eruption of old thoughts and ideas
if i didn't acquire the movie, odds are i wouldn't be writing this
it's chaos and singular
in a 1 positive direction reality, we are simply confined to what is, what will be, no would's, no could's, no if's
just is
you could model existence with equations, is that nauseating? unsettling? or reassuring?
just a point
no line, no transcendence, the axes only apply to our rationality
our lack there of
our simplicity is overwhelming sometimes

i mean
it's all a closed system
1's and 0's, yes and no, we make the grey area for comfort, to soothe us
math, machines, language has the capability of being a precise, accurate, and definite system
but why? language is an internal, people seem to think in words, if people thought in numbers and colours, it would all add up perfectly, we'd be supplied with a definite depth, a defined calender, an objective clock
but the filters are retarded
by the time somebody comprehends something somebody else said, it's already a copy of a copy of a copy
and the listener always assumes that they have the original, that what they experience is the exact intent of whoever said whatever
it's just bullshit, really
just social dogma
more codes i can't keep up with

oh well.... i'm writing and reading and rambling and doing some math homework ( )

so .... blah

"last summer he thought about sticking his index finger in a fan, someone told him his fingerprints are unique. he believes that there's too much direct evidence against uniqueness. he thinks the differences are minor compared to the similarities"